i'm 23 rite now and working with the environment which all people around me is getting married, engaged and already have kids.. so, this pressure me the most when they keep asking me when to get married and so on. ya, this is real. i can't brain this. i'm a big girl now! haha! so, i always answered to them, "how can i to get married, boyfriend pon takda" but the replies from them as expected la "eh, takkan u takda boyfriend muka comel mcm ni" OMG! what can i do is SMILE. yaa.. but it true meh... i don't have a boyfriend. haha!

ya la, sapa taknak kawen doh, but i think this is not the rite time lagi la to get married. i still have a lot of commitments, my family and my future bcos i'm the eldest, and everything is on me rite now. people would never understand this bcos they are not in my shoes. i know what i am doing. kalau ikut perancangan diri, sebetulnya i want to further master after i finished my degree, but Allah planned is different. bcos of some commitments, i can't further my study and need to work. it's okay. i know this is the best rite now. even, yeaaaa i'm so sad, very sad u know bcos i already meet my supervisor and discuss all about my proposal so on, but yeah belum rezeki maybe, i need to change my plan. it's okay, im doing this bcos of my family, i'll never regret. and maybe niat dulu tu tak betul sangat nak sambung master sbb my boyfriend (now ex boyfriend) already further his master, so i feel like i need to be in the same level with him, but ya Allah dah betulkan niat i and this is what the best i think. i broke up with him, i face my new phase of my life, too many things happened after i broke up, and all these things has grown me. now i believe sometimes things happened just untuk mematang dan mendewasakan kita. now i know. :')

i admit this 2017 is quit challenging and though year for me, being a final year student which really stressed with the final year project, im pretty busy with that until i dont have time for my boyfriend and at the same time he also busy with his master etc. so, we dont have time to each other (i think), the relationship makin hari makin jauh u know that situation when u lack of communication kan? what u expect lagi rite? so, after i finished my final year project, i need to complete my internship for 6 months, and ofkos this time is more challenging, dah mmg life mcm orang bekerja kan.. bangun awal pi kerja and then balik terus tidur sbb penat nak mampos kan, and yeah, the relationship is getting worst, until sometimes i don't have the guts to text him or reply him, he also liddat. we both in same situation i guess. the feeling is fade already. and until one day, i beranikan diri to ask him kita ni macam mana actually. at first i dont expect for separation but i know this is the best rite now, so, i ready for any respond from him and yeahhhh we broke up very smooth, ahaha! cara baik no fight no tears and etc. until the next day,  i just realized, is that true we have broke up? is this real? he's not my boyfriend already? and baru nak sedih. but then, i pujuk myself, bukan ni ke yang aku nak? bukan ni ke yg selalu aku doa? maybe Allah have answered my prayer, bcos everyday yea everyday i pray to Allah "if he is the best for me, give us the best ending, if he's not for me also give us the best ending" and maybe this is the answered. and dah lama i rasa i was very sinful bcos in this kind of relationship, i know Allah pon tak redho relationship mcm ni. kalau nak kawen pon masing2 still have our own commitment, we both still belum bersedia to the next phase of relationship, i know but the niat tu ada, masa ja belum sesuai kan.

so, i slowly belajar redho with our decision even deep down inside i know i still love him but im not sure is he still love me or not bcos he seems so fine with this until now, tapi lelaki kan mana nak tunjuk meroyan perempuan je emo lebih, haha! tapi tak apa la.. i don't care, what i know is, i still love him till today. sometimes bila teringat sangat dekat dia i will cry but i know i can't do anything rite now, i yg pandai2 pegi tanya dia, lepastu skrg nak menyesal plak, and then i sedar balik, this is the best kan dari nak sakit hati being ignored mcm tu. sabar sikit. haha! and ada sometimes tu sampai tak tahan sangat i cry and pray to Allah begging Him to give my love back, i want him back and sometimes i feel He is not even listen to my du'a. But then i realized, this is wrong. this is wrong ogy! wake up! live life how u are now, if u really do love him, u will get him in the here-after. Allah is merciful liddat. eventhough my heart yearns for him, every second i have learnt  to control myself. InshaAllah with all of everyones du'as i will get him one day, maybe not now but someday.

just remember that, it is not that Allah does not listen to your du'as, infact He listens to all of them. the reason why u are not getting your du'as answered is because of many reasons that Allah himself with His infinite wisdom knows and we don't. this does not mean that it will be granted anytime u give a du'a. it also does not mean that the du'a will be ignored. this means that Allah will grant your du'a when it best for u. the reason why your du'a for your love to come back to u is not being answered bcos He is displeased with u for being in a haraam relationship (yes sisturrrr, as sincere as your intention to get married to him is u must repent for that), there is someone out there who is better for u(as much as u don't want to accept that now), or He will grant that du'a in the hereafter, Allah knows best.

this does not mean u should give up hope. it also does not mean that u should expect du'as to be granted everytime u ask for it. u just continue giving du'as and hope that He will give u, give Him your trust. I suggest u make a du'a like "Allah please give me someone who will be best for me who love and respect me, who is comptible with me bcos You have infinite knowledge and only You know what is good and bad for me. You are the Most Wise, the Most Merciful." instead of specifically asking for the man u are in love with (bcos he may end up not being right for u, Allah knows best) and have faith that u will inshaAllah get it.

also respect your love's wishes. if he can not wait for u, do u really think he is the man u would want to be with? do u really want to be with impatient man? if this man truly loved u he would have waited and kept u away from haraam relationship. once again, Allah knows best. so don't give up hope and focus on getting closer to Allah. love for anything can fade over time but love for Allah is one thing that won't ever let u down. :)