Hmm.. it’s been 3 days after i dapat berita yg dia positive cov¡d. 

I tau pon dari kawan i, i sedih why he not tell me by himself. Ya i know, i bukan siapa2 lagi. Teruk nya i masih berharap. :( but, bila i bgtau dia kawan i bgitau dia positive, he call my friend and marah why she told me… like seriously he dont want me to know anything about him anymore¿¿ dia betul2 nak i lupakan dia and jangan ambik tau pasal dia dah. Sedih nya.

But the problem is i still care. I still worry. U know someone yg pernah u sayanng gila i tak rasa worry. Kalau boleh i nak care. I nak tanya his condition everything but after i know that yg dia mmg taknak i ambik tau i rasa better i stop. Cukup la memalukan dan melukakan diri sendiri. I tak boleh terus2 mcm ni. Kesian dekat diri i. Berharap dan masih sayang pada orang yg langsung dah takda hati untuk i. I tak pernah sebodoh ni. But dengan dia, i selalu membodohkan diri i. T_T

Kenapa Tuhan tu temukan i dengan dia… :(

 It’s been two weeks i didn't hear anything from him.

I tak faham kenapa dia boleh buat i mcm ni. Why he insisted to break up with me. Whyyyy.. i think he have someone else. U know what, i only have him. Anything happened pon i always want him, im waiting for him. I dont want anyone else. I love him. T_T 

Been two weeks, im still waiting for him. Actually, it’s a month already since the day he said “i dah taknak teruskan, better we stop now”. But, two weeks i still working with him until his last day, last two weeks, on his last day was my very very saddest day for me. I know after that i dah tak boleh jumpa dia, dah tak ada orang teman i for everything, i cant hear his voice any more. Yaaa.. and that’s happened. I betul2 didnt hear anything from him after his birthday. He didnt reply my whatsapp anymore. He deleted all of our chats. He really want to forget me. Im sad. How easy for him, while me, still everyday crying waiting for his call, his text. Im waiting for him.

Everyday im praying for our best, adakah ini yg terbaik…

I know, Allah tu nak selamatkan i dari benda yang bukan2 sbb tu Dia ambik orang yg i sayang. Dia jauhkan dari i. Tapi sakit sangat rasa ni. Sampai kadang i tak mampu nak kata apa2 selain menangis and tertanya tanya besar sangat ka kesalahan i. 

I boleh terima dia seadanya, tapi dia......

I taktau apa yg buat dia tekad betul2 nak break up dgn i. I always rasa that yg he has someone else. Kenapa ya Tuhan temu i dgn dia kalau dia bukan jodoh i.. i harap sangat yg selama ni dia jodoh i, i nak kawen dgn dia, tapi silap i, diri i sendiri i tak boleh jadi yg terbaik utk dia. I boleh terima dia seadanya.. tapi dia,,,,¿

Until now, even dah 1 month i still berharap there is a chance for me. I want to fix everything but dia langsung dah takda hati dgn i, i yakin he has someone else. Perit sangat utk i terima kenyataan ni, i dah taknak kenal orang lain. Nak start all over again, i dah taknak and i tak mampu. Bcos i did everything with him. I tak boleh nak bukak pintu hati utk orang lain, i sedih sangat2. I need him. T_T i love him so much. T_T

Today is 9 June 2021. Back to this day on 2020, i was so happy with him, i dari kampung balik ke penang bawakkan dia durian to him and his family, back to 2019 on the same day, also i was so happy with him, i belanja dia Godiva for his birthday. But today, is a sad day to me, last night i saw him deleting our conversation on telegram. He really really want to remove me from his life and wanna forget me? How easy. While me here every day struggling with my feelings, every day crying, every day waiting for him. Why im so stupid¿ 

It’s not easy for me to forget him or deleting everything about him. Bcos i love him damn much. And too many things we did together, and everything always reminds me of him. U know, dekat sini i have nobody, most of the times i banyak spent dgn dia, almost everyday after work kita akan dinner together, lepak sekali, every weekend pon, ya most of the times mmg i always spent with him. I only have him here. I sedih sangat2, i rasa lost bila orang yg slalu ada dgn i now buang i mcm tu,,, how easy... i sedih sngt. And he left me at the time i need him the most, i lost many of friends dkt tempat keja due to VSS, i lost my roommate, my housemate, i leave alone during this MCO. Yeah i sangat2 la berperang dgn perasaan n mental i, most of the time i crying. I have nobody to talk to. I need him. T_T

U know too many time i begging him not to leave me, i rasa maruah i mcm dipijak pijak, he insisted to break up jgk. Senang nya dia buang i mcm tu after so many things he had done to me. And dia langsung tak bagi i chance to explain anything. 

Yes, i yang bodoh. I know. Bcos i love him soooooo much. 

But until now i tak boleh nak benci dia. Im still waiting for him.

Ada masa i boleh redha, ada masa i tak boleh... it hurts. Sakit sangat2. But he looks so fine without me. Langsung tak cari i, and delete everything about i plak tu. how easy.... this is what make me always have trust issue on him selama ni. I always rasa he has someone else, but i dont know the truth. I betul2 rasa he take me for granted. But i dont know lah... atau perangai i yg buat dia jadi mcm tu.. he never berterus terang dgn i apa2, i dont know. 

I hope there’s another chance for me... i really really want him, i love him sooo much.. but, i dah penat utk merayu mcm i takda maruah sngt.. i sedih, he easily remove me from his life.

I hope Allah always by my side. Give me the strength. Tenangkan hati i. Jadikan i redha dgn semua ni, bcos it hurts, sakit sangat rasa ni... sakit sangat sangat.

Today i wake up.. I miss him a lot. I hope he's fine. :')

Perit ye moving on ni. But, i need to be strong no matter what. :')

He seems so fine without me. :') he doesn't find me at all. Yeah, he's soooo fine without me.

 Assalamualaikum,

Usually i datang sini mesti sbb broken ke apa.. and yes, again. Hmm

I don’t know la, this is the third time I failed in love. But, this time antara willing and tak. At first i willing to end this relationship for my goods but i taknak sbb i rasa syg bcos i dah holding on lama with this relationship, i did everything, i spent so much time dah, syg sangat untuk end mcm tu ja. I try and try but he insisted to end jgk. So, i have no choice. I need to accept and redha with it. Even everyday i waking up crying when realized everything is over and im no longer his. Sedih ofkos sedih. But i need to be strong, takkan i nak pergi merayu rayu lagi kan.. day by day i try to accept but until today i willing to know the exact reason he remove me from his life. I know what is my fault but i dont think it was the exact reason.

Along im with him, i never control his life, i ok je dia buat apa pon and i never disturb his privacy. Mmg i jenis u nak buat apa, buat lah asal u know u have me. Previously punya relationship pon i mcm tu, i jenis tak kisah dia nak buat apa, buat lah asal u ingat i ni girlfriend u. But, bila i fikir balik maybe perangai i yg mcm ni, jenis i tak kisah mungkin dorang rasa i mcm tak syg n care about them kot. Tapi aku sebenarnya bagi kebebasan utk dorang supaya tak rasa kena control, actual nya aku care okay. Tapi ntah la.. lelaki ni complicated sebenarnya. I plak jenis mmg tak kisah, tak control apa smua sampaikan i tak pernah check their phone, dgn sapa dia chat, dia keluar, i takmau tau yg tu sbb klau hang nak curang tu semua PILIHAN hang. Dan aku pon tak faham lah lelaki ni nak apa sebenarnya, korang tahu perempuan ni dia cuma nak serious in relationship ja. Uolls kalau tak ready nak serius uolls tak payah la layan perempuan tu beria or tak payah in relationship pon. Sbb perempuan ni jenis berharap.

So, i pon dah malas fikir apa2 kebarangkaliannya, i try to forget everything even it hards. Ya susah sangat2. Hari2 menangis, hari2 pura pura mcm i okay i boleh terima, i boleh stay as a friend even dalam hati sakit sangat2 untuk terima kenyataan tu. i avoid je apa boleh avoid. I try my best. Bcos i believe ada hikmah semua ni. I yakin. Tapi kalau rasa nak menangis i menangis ja but i taknak dah merayu utk get back padahal dalam hati nak sangat, bcos i sayang sangat this relationship. Bcos dalam smua relationship i pernah ada, yg ketiga ni yg paling banyak taught me. Bnyk memories which is i hope this is the first and my last. But in the end it becomes like this. Hmmm. Sedih.

Tapi tak apa la. I kena redha. I kena kuat. I kena yakin there’s something beautiful in future. Kita jangan buat kerja Tuhan, jangan paksa sesuatu dgn takdir Tuhan, bcos it’s Kun Fayakun... anything can happen in the blink of an eyes kan...... jadi tugas kita usaha, doa, tawakkal. Have faith on Him. :)

Alhamdulillah masih diberi nafas untuk hidup sehingga hari ni, dah masuk tahun 2021. Cepat sangat masa berlalu ye.. Terlalu banyak yg saya tempuh selama 26 tahun hidup ini. And many more to come. Ya Allah semoga diberi kekuatan selalu dgn segala ujian utk ditempuh.

I dont know how to describe my 2020. Bermacam2 benda happened in 2020. But syukur i survived. Dari segi kerjaya, cinta & family, macam2 saya tempuh dlm 2020 ni. Bermacam macam dugaan & kebahagiaan yg datang. Saya redha dgn semua yg dah jadi. :')

Kalau orang yg kenal saya, saya ni bukanlah yg jenis mudah give up. Tapi dgn apa yg saya alami, adakala ada benda yg kita perlu give up after so many times u have try hard for that but in the end nothing u get. Mungkin rezeki u dkt benda lain. 

Dan yang mengenali saya juga, semua tahu yg saya mmg jenis fix dgn perasaan saya. 3 kali ye saya gagal dalam percintaan. Saya sedih sangat kenapa saya perlu rasa semua ni. Tahun ni saya dah 27 tahun, target saya umur 26 dah nak settle down everything tapi tak sangka, lain jadinya. Either He wants me to try harder or He has a better plan for me. Husnuzon je la. Yg berlalu biarkan berlalu. But my feelings toward him never disappear. I dont know why, too many times i try, but i can't. Dan ini bukan lah perangai saya dari dulu, dulu kalau im hurts i dah tak peduli apa dah, i move on mcm tu je, but skrg everything jadi susah. Kenapa lah seorang Najihah jadi mcm ni? I think the love is too deep. Thats why people said dont love too much, u will hurt so much too.

Sampai skrg saya tertanya tanya kenapa saya jadi mcm ni. Silap saya dekat mana? Dan kenapa saya buat keputusan yg mcm ni dlm hidup saya? Saya rasa selama ni saya tak gembirakan diri sendiri pon. Apa yg saya cari pon saya taktau laaa.. Everyday im asking myself WHYYYYYY... I hope someday, i get the answer. I hope Allah listens to my heart and answer all my du'as. :') i sayang family i, kerjaya i, and also him. That's all what i have in my life. :)

May this 2021 brings me the real happiness, wealth, healthy and prosperity. Ameen.